feelingly

I am sick. Fever-ing i guess. I have a bad cough , a critical cold and damn pain dizzy.
It is damn sucks. It's been 3days now. I haven't go anywhere. Sit and stay in my house for couple of days , it is a terrible feeling for me.

Else than that sick feeling , I also having some bad major heart feeling.
I'm sad , tense , pressure , feel annoyed , rejected by everyone , horrible horrible feeling and lots lots of negative feel inside of me.
I feel bad. Insanely sad. My heart were torn in two.

Everyday , each moment I cry and cry.
Not for someone or something but for me. I cry to release my tense away.
To relieve my feeling.
I'm scared. Shivering and can't easily breathe.
Staying at home has make me thinking for whole day. Thinking how am I gonna survive ?
How I am going to realize ? How to make things right ? What did I do wrong ?
Where do I go wrong ? Why ? and lots of question running in my head.

I miss them. I miss him. And I miss her. A lot.
I miss my friendship.
I miss my friends.
I miss my memories.
I miss my boyfriend.
And I miss my life.
I miss me.

I miss the laugh we used to share.
I miss the thought we used to care.
I miss the times we used to spend.
I miss the ride we use to cry for.
I miss it. Miss it very very much.

Why we should change ?
Why people change ?
It's hurting. Hurting me too much.
Everyone keep changing and just go away from me.
They just running away from me.
Why ?

I am a bad person , huh ?
I don't deserve something happy , huh ?
Maybe I don't deserve them.

I want them back in my life.
I want them ALL.
I'm not being greedy.
I just want the old them. The old us. The happiness we used to have.
The happiness that people used to envy for.
Why people want to destroy our happiness ?
I don't know why.

Well , what I am trying to say is that ,
I really want us to work it out.
Be like what we use to be.
Don't let others tear us apart okay.
TALK. disscuss it. We need it.
I want us to be like before.
I don't want jealousy , envy , misunderstanding , haters and etc.
tearing us apart and make us hate each other.
I love you guys , I do. I heart you guys damn much.
You know why ?
Because you guys are the one who always calm me. Always make me smile.
Make me happy and once being there when I needed someone.
I care for you guys. And I want to pay back for the deeds that you did.
But now , it's up to you.
I will just waiting and waiting.
Just want you to know , I don't hate you. I never do.

Although you did something that horrible or say something that sucks towards me ,
I don't mind. I still don't hate you. I can't hate someone that once help me a lot.
That help me with lots of many things. I owe you too much and I cannot bear to
hurt you.

Friendship is what important in someone life.
It's not for the money you have or the fame that you got.
It is for ur heart.
To fulfill ur needs and to understand each other.
Honesty is important , I get it.
But sincerity is quite important to.
It is about being there when u happy , when u sad and when u needed someone to be.
It's all about you.
Trusting and care for each other.

That's all , I guess. While I keep wondering and make myself realize ,
I hope they are too.

=____="